Self Control? More like out of Control.

Yes, having everything together is great, it gives you a sense of peace, calmness and it’s also a good confidence booster.

But we do not always have it all together as much as we’d love to. We want our lives to be in a state of peace and control at which reality sometimes says otherwise. Life is a balance of both and that is why we experience different seasons through out our lifetime.

I’d like to delve in deep into a really tough season in my life, triggered by one of SA’s most prominent celebrities taking his own life.

It is so easy to recommend on how people should deal with unexplainable sadness or anxiety. You either encourage them to see a therapist, talk to someone or just pray about it. Well, I did all three without any success.

You’ll remember from my first blog posts that I experienced a health situation that left me sad and looking down at myself. I noted that my sadness was a tad bit unnatural and needed some sort of intervention so I went to therapy, sought advice and then finally church.

Therapy

I went in with high expectations, I just imagined I’d come out of the session fully restored and feeling like my old self. I was wrong! Yes, opening up to the therapist did ignite a little hope in me that I’d overcome my current feelings and overcome the problem entirely. However in that one session I got the gist of how therapy goes; I’d be equipped with learning to live with the problem or rather having control over it. That approach didn’t cut it for me because it required human effort and I was already running on empty.

Speaking to someone

I spoke to a colleague about the current state of my mind, yes I got some form of relief expressing myself and her compassion and sympathy towards me was very comforting but I still felt awful with a very bleak outlook on life. Its almost funny how one minute its just an illness that won’t go away and the next you are questioning your entire existence.

Prayer

My mom would pray with me and for me, my colleague also pulled me aside to pray for me. However, I still felt sad after.

Church Counselling

My mom organised a sit-down with my pastor, I opened up to him as well about everything including my health. He comforted me with God’s word and with a relatable testimony about changed situations. I felt better after the meeting but I still could not shake the feeling off. I started thinking that maybe I was destined to live like this, in a state of mental conflict.

Build up to my breakthrough

So, I got sick again and received a couple of days off work to recover. I received a call from my colleague to join her for an all night prayer at her church one million kilometers (an exaggeration )from where I live. Amidst all the noise in my head, a still soft voice in my head told me to go. Honestly, I did not want to go, but I held on to the still voice because I believed in it and I believed deep down in my heart that this was my last hope. So, I took a leap of faith and went to the church in a region far far away.

My first encounter with the Lord

Before the Holy Spirit did His perfect work in me, its best I digress and let you in on the state of my mind before my encounter. The illness i had lead to negative thoughts spiraling in my head and then constant chatter settled in my head demanding me to do the worst possible thing to myself, ending my life. This chatter was so loud, negative and damning, I just wanted it to stop.

Breakthrough

All it took was a single touch by the anointed pastor to change my life. I experienced silence for what had felt like the first time in my life. In disbelief, I prayed to God that I would stay in this state forever. It was in that moment that I realised I had to stick with the one who brought this tranformation in my life, God. I have not looked back since.

Somethings are beyond our human capabilities and require the mighty touch of the Lord, I  am alive today and filled with hope on days to come because of my encounter with God and the relationship between Him and I that was established on that faithful night, the 1^st March 2019 (the day I got born again).

My whole near suicide experience is validated by this verse, 1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV, which says, “no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it“. That’s where the magnificence of the Lord is, He always makes sure you do not tip over, He saved me before I completely lost it.

The key is searching for him even if you feel he can not be found for He completes us. The verse below cemented my new found completeness in the Lord.

"...for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

In conclusion life is found and kept in God. He gives it and He sustains it.